guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize