I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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