Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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