Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
ttyl tear gas
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
