I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
