life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
