my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
