i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
