yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
