don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize