When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
