did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
