??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
