How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
