I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
