I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
