just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
