I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
