guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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