If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
