I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
