Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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