Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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