I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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