Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize