update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
