i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize