apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
