You just made me feel so damn special
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
