dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
