It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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