why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no you cant smoke seaweed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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