I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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