I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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