Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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