I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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