I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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