were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
