I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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