Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
