I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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