I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize