i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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