lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
