the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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