I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
