hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
