At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
