god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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