My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
And then he peed in my hair
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