I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
