i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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