WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
