I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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