just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
