yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
