when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
