I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
